When believing in yourself becomes hard labor
It’s deep into March 2024, and I’m feeling I may finally be reaching the end of something. I wish I could pinpoint what. I wish I could decipher which direction I’m being spun into next, but for the life of me, I haven’t been able to properly interpret the signs. I used to be good at reading the signs. I used to know exactly what step to take next, according to my gut. But for the past several months my instincts have taken some sort of sabbatical. They’ve dulled themselves from the monotony of scrambling to pay bills. I’m desperate for those instincts to come back home now, so that my survivor mind can take a much needed vacation.
The lost feeling of not having consistent work, a consistent job, has decidedly taken some sort of toll. Or maybe it’s that I have too many small jobs, I’m not exactly sure.
Again with the crappy instincts.
Sometimes when I’m spinning in place I blame myself. When I don’t have a clear goal in mind or an immediate success with a project I decide it’s something I’ve done wrong. I think as a small business owner and artist it’s damned near impossible to shake that inner boss during certain moments. I thought that after selling everything off, breaking my commercial lease, and paying back thousands in business loans, that I would’ve finally put this boss to bed. She came back though, of course, after the first moment I decided to dabble back into selling products again (because I can’t help myself). After months of having quite a few things not go my way, her voice has become a hum; a constant dull that’s been clobbering and smoothing over any brief spikes of insight.
Lately, believing in myself has become a full-time job, in and of itself. It’s been a type of labor that I didn’t realize was starting to fog my perception.
Maybe this is the thing that I’m finally getting to the end of.
I am constantly advising amazingly creative people how to embrace their strengths and visions. So many of us are too scared to take the risks we need to take in order to experience just how big we can be. There’s a part of me that’s in that place right now too, and then there’s this other part. I’m also learning, once again, how to just simply exist. It’s a moment of re-education on how to let go of the outcome. My creative life looks and feels different now. It’s not been very easy, but it’s shifting into something new. I know that If I can just let myself feel at home in this unease, then my instincts will come back home too. So why is it so damn difficult to sit still?
Believing in myself can feel a lot like hugging a large rock. Not a real one, but maybe one made of foam and spray painted for a realistic effect. Kind of like one that would roll off the top of the Aggro Crag in Nickelodeon Guts. It just kinda goes boing off your shoulder. It’s light, it’s huge, and I can just barely fit my arms around it. I suppose if I’m being honest, these feelings of existential exhaustion are also wrapped tightly around making enough money. It’s this societal requirement to constantly believe in yourself in order to achieve what you need to survive. No matter what job you have, this is going to be the case. When your job is not providing what you need to survive, you’re told to work a little harder. I know many people right now, business owners or not, are feeling this spirit numbing hum of anxiety. Like staring at an invoice for years of work that may never be paid.
I am extremely fortunate to even be able to entertain the idea of working for myself in any creative fashion. I feel incredibly grateful to even be writing these words to anyone who cares to read them. Finding connection through writing and hearing from other folks out here just trying to make it work has been an unexpected gift this year. I also know, somewhere in my logical thinker, that this feeling of exhaustion is temporary. The full moon eclipse on Monday was huge, it was intense, and I may be wrapping my arms around it a little more than usual right now. Feeling aimless is just a feeling. I try and remember the things that bring me back home and do more of those things: crafting with my little guy, or letting my best friend of 16 years scratch my head. Sticking my hands in some dirt, or picking up my guitar. I write. I sleep the full 8 hours. All of these things and more can break me out of the spell.
When I allow myself to live like I’m off the clock, believing in myself becomes the cool breeze it’s meant to be.
FREE SHIPPING extended
today is the last day to use SPRING24 to get free shipping on any order over $39
FLASH SALE: 30% off Spark sessions in April with code CCAPRIL (only 4 spots available!)
I am opening up my books for 4 discounted Spark sessions for the month of April. You must book your appointment for April. Does not apply to Fire Starter or Tending the Flame sessions.
What it is:
A 60 min zoom consultation tailored towards whatever conundrums you are facing as an artist, business owner, or anyone trying to get their creative project off the ground. This is for the absolute beginner, as well as the seasoned business owner. I have worked with a wide range of creative individuals doing vastly different things, including: established small business owners, independent artists, program directors, writers, educators, witches, and more.
Sessions can be greatly productive for someone just starting out on their creative path all the way to the seasoned brand owner.
A few things that I feel pretty knowledgeable in:
Branding & story telling
Marketing that doesn’t feel sh*tty
Product design
Building a wholesale business
Building a product based business that minimizes environmental harm
Helping artists and creative thinkers figure out what type of creative business is right for them
Discovering new revenue channels that sustain, rather than drain.
Scaling your business and risk assessment
Even if you don’t plan on starting a business with your project, it doesn’t matter. These sessions are shaped to fit whatever your particular creative goals are.
Have questions? Be sure to read more about creative consulting on the website, and reach out to me at leela@therainbowvision.com if you want to learn more.
Beautifully written, Leela! The exhaustion and aimlessness feel enormous and permanent. (I'm feeling it these still with consistent sleep deprivation, even as my son is almost 1yo.) " I know many people right now, business owners or not, are feeling this spirit numbing hum of anxiety." is a sentence that hit me, especially the "spirit numbing" part. Creative endeavors to me are inherently spiritual, and my fear is that the system that we live in still manages to numb it. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.
I believe in you.🌹